Here is a few good jokes that will make ya laugh.
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Posted:Feb 19, 2010 5:04 pm
Last Updated:May 27, 2024 3:20 pm
5430 Views
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Clock free joke
A man shouts to his wife. come here and look at my clock. she walk in to find him naked with a hard on. She says that's not a clock, he replies it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.
Intelligent Women free joke
Scientists have discovered that most women will at sometime contain intelligent DNA. Unfortunately most of them spit it out.
funny free little Johnny joke
Little Johnny says to his mam,is it ok to have a willy
Yes said his mum why do you ask
Cos my dads upstairs sweating like mad trying to pull his off
adult free joke
Old man goes to the doctors. Doctor i think my wife is dead
Why do you think that replies the doctor
well the sex is the same but the ironing is stacking up.
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Joke of the Day
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Posted:Feb 18, 2010 10:20 am
Last Updated:Feb 20, 2010 5:50 pm
5357 Views
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How To Be a Gracious Bitch
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear......I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''
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What not to write in a Valentine card if you want to get laid.
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Posted:Feb 12, 2010 10:36 pm
Last Updated:Feb 14, 2010 9:19 pm
5781 Views
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Now that Valentine day is drawing near I just thought that I would share some romantic short poems for that special woman in your life . Believe me Hallmark could not do better....Honestly, these are worth reading.....
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's is why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, Intelligent, loving and hot:
This describes everything that you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other--
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Now I hope that these have brighten your day!!!!!
XO XO XO A-1 COCK SUCKER.
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Stranger Sex
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Posted:Feb 4, 2010 10:18 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2011 10:23 pm
7045 Views
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I walked into the bar and I took a quick look around and I see this really hot man sitting at the far side of the bar. He is one fine hunk of man. He has got to be at least 50, but you cannot really tell because he takes such good care of his body. His body is very fit and I can see the outline of rugged heavy muscles under his tee-shirt. His eyes lock with mine and I know that I will have this man and it will be soon.
I walk over and order a drink, I looked right at you and I take my tongue and run it around my lips, and then I bite my lower lip. I am giving you the look of sexual lust and heat. I can feel my pussy began to tingle and the juices begin to flow down my bare legs.
You get up and move closer to where I am sitting. I turn to you and I whisper in your ear, "I am not wearing any panties and I want to fuck you, my pussy is already wet." The look on your face is that of a man in heat. I spread my legs just enough for you to see my moist wet lips.
You look at me and smile. You tell me that you are the manager of the bar and that you have an office in the back. You take my hand and we head down the hall. You have a lounge chair in the corner and you quickly recline on it. I tug at your pants and soon your cock is free of its prison.
I take that perfect cock of yours deep into my hot wet waiting mouth and I began to suck on it. I slid my tongue up and down the shaft until you began to breathe heavy and hard.
I continue to suck on that perfect cock until it is covered in my saliva and you are going crazy with lust and heat. I am making all kinds of sucking and slurping sounds as I joyfully take that nice cock deep into my throat. I slide my fingers gently across your balls and I tickle them just right. You begin to moan and groan as you near your first of many orgasms that you will experience tonight. You grab my head and bury your cock as deep as you can into my mouth and then I feel the reward that I so do love, your hot cum begins to squirt down my throat. I drink it down and smack my lips as you pull away.
You pull me close to your face and we share a taste of your cum between us. I am soaking wet and waiting for your fingers to explore my pussy with great delight. You switch places with me and soon you are sliding your fingers deep into my already wet twat. I moan as you flick my clit between your fingers and soon it is very swollen and hard to touch. This is when you get between my legs and begin to eat my pussy like a pro. You know just where to slide your tongue and it feels so warm and hot as it darts back and forth across my clit and labia.
I am becoming very aroused and I look you in the face and warn you that when I cum I will soak your face and chest down. You do not care and soon I am getting to the point of no return. I feel my pussy begin to twitch and when I cum I squirt a stream of female love juice all over your face. You surprise me and begin to drink it in. Your tee shirt is wet and I can see your muscles even better. You are very fit and it makes me even hotter for your body. You see the need in my eyes and you stand up and pull your tee shirt off and then you take off your pants and I can see that the total package was well worth the wait.
You take and pull my skimpy dress off over my head and you now see that I have no bra on either. You quickly suck one of my pink nipples into your mouth and my body responds with a shiver and my juices begin to flow down my legs.
You push me back onto the lounge chair and you quickly guide that hard cock into my wet pussy. You plunge it in hard and fast and soon you are fucking me as if we have known each other for ever. We are moving together like we were meant to do this all the time. You then pull out tell me to get into the doggy position and you slam that cock once again into my waiting twat. As you fuck me fast and hard, you reach around and rub my clit. I can feel my pussy begin to tingle and I know that soon I will be cumming again. My pussy begins to contract and I squirt girl cum out all over the place, but you continue to fuck me as hard as you can.
You then grab me by my waist and lift me up as you continue to fuck me. Just what are you doing I wonder, then I see what you have on your mind, you switch me to a position that I am now laying on my back again and you pull my legs up over your shoulders and you enter me hard and deep. You are fucking me so hard that the sweat is running down your chest, but it makes no difference to you. You are a man on a mission and you continue to grind that hard cock into my wet pussy. I cannot stop what is about to happen. I cum once again and this time you start to grunt and then you empty your cock into my pussy. I feel the warmness of your cum as it fills my pussy. You lean against me as you continue to jerk your cum in my twat. But you are not finished yet; to my amazement you continue to fuck me.
You look me in the face and tell me that you want to fuck my ass. I ask you how bad, and you reply “Badly” so I tell you to go a head. This is when you suggest that I sit on your cock and let you fuck me in a wild position that is called the Acrobat. I am intrigued with this idea and I ask you to explain it better to me. You say let me show you instead. You tell me that it is an extreme form of the Rodeo position, the Acrobat is a very intimate transition from its more common cousin. The easiest way to get into the Acrobat position is to have the giver lie down on their back then have their partner lie down backwards from the rodeo position, unlike the Rodeo position, the Acrobat requires the giver to take over stroking duties.
So I am game to give this one a try. You lay down on the lounge chair and I face away from you as I lower my ass onto your cock. It slides in ever so gently and then once it is in deep, you begin to pump it in and out as I lay back and enjoy the ride. As you are fucking me, you reach around and begin to rub my clit and once again I am getting to the point of no return, with the nice tight feeling of your cock buried deep in my ass and you rubbing my clit, I cum again with great force and once again you are flooded with girl cum everywhere. This in turns makes you so excited that your cock stiffens deep in my ass and you begin to shoot rope after rope of hot creamy cum deep into my bowels. Once you cum this time, you lay back and fall asleep soundly.
As for me, I get off ever so gently not to disturb you and I quickly get my clothes back on and I slip over to your desk and leave you a note: Thanks for the fun, it was really fantastic and thanks for full filling a fantasy of mine. Stranger sex is so hot that I will have to do it again. With that said, I slip out of your office and disappear into the night, never to be seen again.
Maxfactor this one is for you. I still have not changed my mind, I would love to meet you somewhere and experience this for real with you.
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My good deed for the day---Blow job done right.
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Posted:Feb 3, 2010 4:47 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2011 10:19 pm
6844 Views
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Today I did something for a male friend that just once again proves that if a woman really shows a man that she enjoys giving him a blow job, she will reap the rewards in the end.
I have a friend who has been married to a woman for 11 years now. There has been no sex in the marriage now in almost 3 years. She claims that she just is not into it any more and sees no reason for them to have sex. Mind you they are both under the age of 40 so this seems really odd to me that sex is not more of a part of who they are as a couple.
He is the ultimate nice guy, the kind that everyone wants as a friend and he is always the first one to lend a hand when someone needs some help. My husband and I know both of them and she is nice to my friend when people are looking, but as soon as she thinks that no one will see, she is down grading him, telling him he is worthless and telling him that no woman would want to ever fuck him. Yes he has put on a few pounds, but that does not make him any less of a man. She teases him when it comes to sex and will even take it as far as to get him turned on and ready and then she will laugh at him and tell him it is all a joke.
So about a month ago he was so down in the dumps that he was talking crazy. He told my husband and me that his wife was right, he was worthless, no woman would want him and that he was just plain fat and ugly. I jumped in and told him that it was bullshit. He is a great guy, sexy and fun to be with. He then spoke up and told us that there had not been sex in his marriage in just about 3 years and that it had been at least 12 years since he had been given a blow job. I said that you have got to be kidding; he said nope I am telling you the truth. My wife did it once before we were married and she had not done it since. I was amazed at that. He said that she told him it was gross and that only a would find it fun.
Well that made me angry beyond words. I love to give men a great blow job and I am not a . How dare she talk like that? So with the husband�s permission, I gave this man the first blow job he has had in over 12 years. It was a challenge to get him past his shy stage, but I worked at it for a while and soon I got what I wanted and needed, a mouth full of cum. Not only did I blow his balls off, he was so over come with emotions that he cried. He told me that it had been so long since a woman had actually touched him in a sexual way that he really felt that he was the one to blame. I assured him that he was not to blame, maybe I will take some flack here for this comment, but I feel that a large amount of men are pushed into seeking sex outside of the marriage because they are not getting what they need at home. What some females fail to see and understand is this, sex is good for a person, helps with depression, and for a man it keeps that prostate gland healthy. An orgasm can be the best medication out there for keeping us healthy and happy.
So I did my good deed for the day. I got this man off for the first time in over a decade and to me it was well worth it.
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I love men, I really do.
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Posted:Jan 31, 2010 9:22 pm
Last Updated:Feb 2, 2010 3:21 pm
5721 Views
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I love men, I cannot seem to get enough of them and I find each one different and unique in his own way. They all posses a quality that I so admire, they are males and they make my body quiver as they get near. I love to make them happy. I want to thank all of my friends out there.
I have had several ask for picture of me in sexy clothes and shoes. I hate to admit this, but I do not have much of either. I am married to a man that finds it a waste to spend money of such things. So I have learned not to buy them. Well except for the sexy pair of Mary Janes I bought a while back.
So I am sorry that I cannot do as some has requested. Maybe some day, but for now it will not happen. Hey at least I can dream about them.
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Anal Sex an Introduction into this form of play.
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Posted:Jan 29, 2010 3:32 pm
Last Updated:Jan 29, 2010 8:23 pm
5699 Views
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Anal sex is one of the most taboo forms of sexual play commonly practiced. Long a source of societal shame and discomfort, many people feel the anus is off-limits so it's embarrassing for some people to admit they like having their anus touched or stimulated.(There are still some states that you can be arrested for this kind of sex, talk about a tight ass stupid law) But there's really no reason to be embarrassed. Anal play has long been a part of sexual practice for over a third of Americans, including homosexual and heterosexual men and women, both partnered and alone. If done correctly it can provide some of the most intense and powerful orgasm a woman can have.
Anal sex is enjoyable because of the rich body of nerve endings in the anus. While people may feel pain when first attempting anal sex, as you learn to relax, the pain often subsides into pleasure. For men, anal sex also offers stimulation to the prostate, an organ that provides the rush of pleasure during orgasm.
Statistics show that roughly 35% of heterosexuals and 50% of the gay community practice anal sex at least occasionally. Most people don't realize that anal intercourse is the least practiced form of anal play; stimulation with fingers, toys and tongues is far more common, partly because the prostate, the rectum and the rim of the anus are all rich sources of nerve endings. Gentle stimulation of these areas can be very pleasurable.
Talk to your partner about anal sex and anal play. Find out their feelings on the subject. If he or she is adamantly opposed, back off for awhile. Try giving your partner a book on the subject. After he or she is better informed, your partner may be more willing to discuss integrating anal play into your relationship. Approach the subject carefully, and be very aware of your partner's feelings. Many women are embarrassed about anal sex, but have been longing to try it for a long time. Likewise, many men are extremely eager to experiment with this new form of play (as receivers and givers), yet remain convinced their partners would never consider it. Talk to each other about your desires. You may have more in common than you think.
Once you're both comfortable with the idea, start slowly. Try different kinds of lubrication's and find one you both like. Then start with gentle touching. If you feel uncomfortable or tense, stop for a few minutes and try to relax until you're ready to experiment further. Many people enjoy having a finger slowly inserted into their anus. Your partner might try twirling his or her finger just inside the sphincter muscles, or a gentle shunting motion in and out of the anus. You might want to progress to rimming, a form or oral sex performed on the anus, or experimentation with dildos and other anal toys. Always use lots of lubrication and never insert anything into your anus that doesn't have a flared end -- the last thing you want is a trip to the emergency room!---Talk about a real pain in the ass here.
There are three things that should always be used whenever anal penetration is taking place; lubrication, condoms and common sense.
• Liberal amounts of lubrication are necessary because the rectal wall can be quite sticky and is subject to tearing and lesions if not kept lubricated. Additionally, the anus and rectum are narrow, so lubrication is needed to press inside smoothly.
The best type of lubes are either silicone or a gel type. I was in an adult store the other day and this young woman was talking to the clerk about the best type of lube to use. I was shocked at what the clerk told her. He said that hand lotion works well and so does Vaseline. I had to butt in there and tell him that he did not know what he was talking about. One should never use either product. Lotion does not provide enough lubrication and Vaseline can actually harbor bacteria that can be harmful, plus it does not really glide all that well. This is a really good product that is called Boy Butter and it works very well for anal sex, I believe that it was created by a male, for male on male sex, but what the heck, it works well.
• Condoms are another necessity. Enemas, douches and other cleaners will not be able to get all the germs and bacteria out of the rectum. Not only is anal sex facilitate the transmission of STDs better than any other form of sex, it can also cause urinary tract infections and other bacterial diseases. Latex protection is essential, and can offer additional slickness.
• Finally, use your common sense. The rectal wall curves and is thin so long; hard objects can tear your insides. Don't wear any jewelry on your hands, and cut your fingernails if you are going to put your finger in someones anus. Most importantly, respect your body. Don't push the limits and go only as far as you feel comfortable.
Do not start with something the size of a dildo or penis. Start with either your partner's finger or a small anal plug. The plug provides a unique sensation and many couples consider it an exciting addition to the bedroom. If you're more comfortable with a partner's finger then start with that. The basic principle is to start small and work your way up.
One partner should lubricate or place a lubricated condom over his or her finger. Take the finger and arouse the surface of the anus, perhaps making small circular motions as you go. Always pay attention to your partner to indicate whether or not he or she feels comfortable. Slowly attempt to push your finger (or plug) slightly inside the anus.
Do not use force - stop immediately if your partner complains of discomfort. If he or she tells you it hurts listen!!!!! If it is difficult to enter the anus, you probably need more lubrication. The first time you try this, the receiver may feel a bit of pain. Anal sex is not for everyone, and if you feel uncomfortable stop and perhaps try again later. Think of this process as training for later anal encounters. Even a finger can provide intense stimulation when it is inserted in the anus.
Once you have tried penetration with a finger a number of times then you can move towards something that is a bit larger.
First you have to decide on what type of anal stimulation that you enjoy. Do you enjoy the movement of a finger, the fullness of a plug, or the feeling of entry and withdrawal? You may wish to proceed by being penetrated with your partner's penis or by using an anal toy. For those who enjoy the feeling of penetration more than motion or vibration, try butt plugs which are designed specifically for this purpose. A butt plug sits inside the anus, and is not generally used for thrusting back and forth.
The best positions for anal sex depend largely on what stage you and your partner are at in your experiences. Rear entry or the "doggie style" position is the one position most people associate with anal sex. However, rear entry allows a penis or anal toy to penetrate most deeply, and may not be the best choice for the beginner.
A good starting position is the "spoons" position, with each partner laying on his or her side, one behind the other. This prevents the penetrating partner from going too fast, and allows complete control over penetration. It also brings you closer to your partner, making it easier to judge his or her reactions to what you're doing.
Another position for anal sex is a variation of the missionary position. The receiving partner lies on his or her back while the penetrating partner approaches from on top. The penetrating partner lifts up the calves or shins of the receiver, exposing the anus. This can be an especially intimate position, with both partners facing each other. The ‘top’ partner can masturbate the other and is open to massage and cuddling as well.
Finally, rear entry offers another possibility for anal penetration. This position allows the penetration to be the deepest, and permits the receiver to better open the anus for entry. Rear entry doesn't offer the kind of intimacy or ease of communication that the other positions do, but for more advanced lovers, can offer the greatest amount of thrusting and penetration.
There are many more positions and techniques to try. Many people discover new and exciting positions through experimentation, and most people find the one that best suits them. Good communication is the key to such discovery, and a manual or video can help as well.
In addition, it takes time to get use to something like this kind of sex and just remember that sometimes it is well worth the wait.
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THE LAW IS THE LAW
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Posted:Jan 28, 2010 3:29 pm
Last Updated:Jan 29, 2010 2:41 pm
5281 Views
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Now I did not write this, but I thought that I would share this with all American. What do you think about this? As For my self it is simple, KISS MY ASS.
THE LAW IS THE LAW
So 'if' the US government determines that it is against the law for the words 'under God' to be on our money, then, so be it.
And 'if' that same government decides that the 'Ten Commandments' are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it.
I say, 'so be it,' because I would like to be a
law abiding US citizen.
I say, 'so be it,' because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions.
I would like to think that those people have the American public's best interests at heart.
BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?
Since we can't pray to God, can't Trust in God and cannot post His Commandments in Government buildings, I don't believe the Government and its employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that our government is eliminating from many facets of
American life.
I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter.. After all, it's just another day.
I'd like the ' US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter as
well as Sundays.' After all, it's just another day.
I'd like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the 'Christmas Break.' After all it's just another day.
I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter. It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other day of the week to a government that is trying to be 'politically correct.'
In fact....
I think that our government should work on Sundays (initially set aside for worshipping God...)because, after all, our government says that it should be just another day....
What do you all think????
If this idea gets to enough people, maybe our elected officials will stop giving in to the 'minority opinions' and begin, once again, to represent the 'majority' of ALL of the American people.
SO BE IT............
Please Dear Lord,
Give us the help needed to keep you in our country!
A men' and ' A men'
Touché!!!!!!
These are definitely things I never thought about but
from now on, I will be sure to question those in
government who support these changes.
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Just to let you know
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Posted:Jan 27, 2010 2:15 pm
Last Updated:Jan 29, 2010 7:12 am
5625 Views
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I just wanted to let you all know that I am working on several things at once and will have some good stuff for all of you to enjoy. More stories and advice and what ever else I can come up with. Thanks for your patience.
I want to keep you all happy and I want to get this blog back into the number one spot in Washington again.
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Why Women Are Crabby....
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Posted:Jan 22, 2010 9:38 pm
Last Updated:Jan 26, 2010 2:44 pm
5686 Views
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Most females can relate to this and it is so funny that I had to share it with all of you. I did not write it.
We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his ), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have
Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. 'Just one more good push'(more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling,
mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. Then come their ' Years.' Need I say more?
When the are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that
moves..
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.
You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right. Bite me!
  
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I am still here.
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Posted:Jan 15, 2010 11:15 pm
Last Updated:Jan 23, 2010 5:29 pm
6088 Views
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I just wanted to let you all know that I have not given up on my blog writing. Just going through some rough patches here. Trying to get a major writing project done that has a dead line quickly coming. Like an idiot I signed up for a writing class at the college and it involves more than I thought it would. And then to top it all off, I have over stressed my body and have come down with the flu or something like it. But I will be back.
Let us all take time to pray for all those people that are suffering from that horrible earth quake. It breaks my heart to see people suffer and I feel so helpless because all I can do is pray. I just watch a little girl die after being trapped for 48 hours. Such a senseless loss. But then I saw a baby that was trapped for 3 days and she made it out alive.
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To link to this blog (ineedyounow55) use [blog ineedyounow55] in your messages.
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