Is this how you get into heaven?
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Posted:Jun 16, 2008 10:50 am
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2008 3:49 pm
11540 Views
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Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.
St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day."
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?"
"Sorry, Dolly, but a royal flush beats a pair any day."
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Hate to go to school
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Posted:Jun 13, 2008 1:48 pm
Last Updated:Jun 17, 2008 2:28 pm
11848 Views
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One early morning a mother went to her sleeping and woke him up.
MOM: "Wake up, . It's time to go to school."
: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
: "One, all the hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school" |
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5
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Hunting Dog
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Posted:Jun 12, 2008 11:07 am
Last Updated:Jun 17, 2008 2:39 pm
11533 Views
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This man wanted to buy a hunting dog. He heard of this guy who had a for sale, so he went to check it out. They get the out to the woods and the owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!"
The takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks once. The man asked the owner "What does that mean?"
The owner says "Well, he barked once, that means he saw one rabbit."
The guy says "OK, let's see it again."
The owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!" The takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks twice.
The guy asks "OK, what does that mean?"
The owner says "Well, he barked twice, that means he saw two rabbits."
The guy says "OK, one more time and he's sold." The owner snaps his fingers, the takes off, comes back carrying a stick and starts to hump his owners leg.
The guy says "WHAT! does that mean?
The owner says "Well, that means he just saw more fuckin' rabbits than you can shake a stick at!"
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4
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'Mississippi Blonde'
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Posted:Jun 10, 2008 9:48 am
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2008 7:08 pm
11876 Views
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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Mississippi arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000)
on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.'
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!'
As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and- down and squealed
'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings, and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'
Moral of the story:
(1) Not all Southerners are stupid.
(2) Not all blondes are dumb.
(3) But all men... are men |
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5
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The Rose
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Posted:Jun 8, 2008 12:01 pm
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2008 4:20 pm
11618 Views
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| Z Z
As a flower in the garden
Bending toward the sun,
Unfolds it's tiny petals
One, by one, by one...
So faith expands it's beauty
Until at last it grows
Into life's lasting flower...
The heart's fair perfect rose. |
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~Rebecca Helmann~
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3
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Roses are Red Poems
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Posted:Jun 7, 2008 1:25 pm
Last Updated:Jun 12, 2008 10:40 am
11674 Views
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Noses are red, faces are blue,
You stunk up the can, with the fart that you blew.
Roses are red, to freshen the loo,
To cover the stench, in the mall restroom.
The roses are dead, the warnings are true,
That god awful stench, must have come outta you.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
A perv in an outhouse, gets a shitty rear view.
Roses are red, toilets are white,
I'm forcing it out, with all of my might.
Roses are pink, toilets can stink,
The pipes are all plugged, gotta piss in the sink.
Roses are red, and they smell pretty too,
but not when they grow, in big piles of poo.
Roses are red, and have thorns that can cut,
So don't ever use them, to wipe your bare butt.
Roses are black, and may represent death,
I can't stand the stench, am on my last breath.
Roses are red, Violets are blue
The took a crap, in your favorite new shoes
Roses are red, Violets are blue
I'm sure it's been said, that your farts are not few
Roses are red, Violets are green
Try sitting instead, you spray when you're peein'
These original poems were written
and copyrighted© by Mick™
Non-Commercial use is allowed
on washroom stalls
or with a link to this site only
REMEMBER
It's good to have Roses on your piano
But it's even better to have Tulips on your organ |
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6
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New Couple
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Posted:Jun 6, 2008 5:05 pm
Last Updated:Jun 23, 2008 2:13 pm
11412 Views
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A newly wed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand." |
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2
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Everyone has Up's and Down's
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Posted:Jun 5, 2008 5:55 pm
Last Updated:Jun 8, 2008 11:13 am
11122 Views
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Sometimes life is tough and things go wrong,
But you can't give up, you have to be strong.
You have to accept what life throws in your face,
You don't always have to be number one in the race.
Often something happens and it's too hard to bear,
Sometimes you feel your life is going nowhere,
When everyone burdens you with problems not your own,
Keep your chin up; know that you're not alone.
Nothing can ever be accomplished without faith,
For if you believe it won't happen, you're digging you're grave.
And if you think that everyone has forgotten your name,
Remember a million other people feel the same.
Sunshine will come after the rain,
Rainbows will help ease the pain.
When you're sick of it and you've had enough,
Think about it, when there's a big down, there's always a bigger up.
The journey ahead has many obstacles to pass,
It doesn't matter if you come last.
But you have to remember; you know it's true,
Tough times don't last, but tough people do.
*** |
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fire_kitten only 15
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3
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A Rose
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Posted:Jun 5, 2008 12:02 pm
Last Updated:Jun 5, 2008 6:26 pm
11092 Views
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| Z Z
A lovely rose with petals soft
A scent so sweet and light
So beautiful a flower
With colors shining bright.
But something not so savory
About the fragrant rose -
The thorns, so sharp upon the stem,
That sharpen as it grows.
Yet still lovely is the flower
Despite the thorns that prick
Just as life and love are sweet
They too have thorns that stick.
But do not fear to live or love,
Life's not exempt from pain -
So pick a rose, you may get hurt,
But you will also gain!
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by Elizabeth
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2
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Cowboys Telling Stories
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Posted:Jun 4, 2008 3:15 pm
Last Updated:Jun 6, 2008 3:07 pm
11082 Views
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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis. |
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5
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~Candidate in Legislature~
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Posted:Jun 3, 2008 9:54 pm
Last Updated:Jun 8, 2008 8:31 am
10441 Views
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A husband and wife are campaigning for a friend who is contesting the local elections. They both become so busy that they do not think of anything else but about the elections - so much so that they communicate about everything in political language.
One night the husband wants to have sex desperately, but seeing the wife busy doing some work, goes to her and says, "I would like to put my candidate in your legislature. "
The wife, not realizing this was meant for something else, without raising her head says, "Our party is not going to accept this."
The husband is disappointed but he goes to sleep.
After some time the wife realizes what the husband meant, so she wakes him up and tells him, "Darling, now you can put your candidate in my legislature. "
The husband replied, "Sorry, I cannot do that. My candidate stood independent and lost his deposit!" |
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A Girl for Me
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Posted:Jun 3, 2008 2:21 pm
Last Updated:Jun 10, 2008 8:33 am
10877 Views
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When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time, and threatened suicide.So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits. |
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3
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Why Bill Gates decides to Sell OFF Microsoft?
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Posted:Jun 2, 2008 2:39 pm
Last Updated:Jun 3, 2008 12:01 pm
10610 Views
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Letter from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft
Subject: Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems,which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button ' start ' but there is no ' stop ' button. We request you to check this.
2. We find there is ' Run ' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.
3. One doubt is whether any ' re-scooter ' is available in system? I find only ' re-cycle ' , but I own a scooter at my home.
4. There is ' Find ' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find ' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
5. My learnt ' Microsoft word ' now he wants to learn ' Microsoft
sentence ' , so when you will provide that?
6. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows ' MY Computer ' : when you will provide the remaining items?
7. It is surprising that windows says ' MY Pictures ' but there is not
even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
8. There is ' MICROSOFT OFFICE ' what about ' MICROSOFT HOME ' since I use the PC at home only.
9. You provided ' My Recent Documents ' . When you will provide ' My Past Documents ' ?
10. You provide ' My Network Places ' . For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places ' . I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Regards,
Banta
Last one to Mr Bill Gates :
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS? |
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