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Status
please_u_too 54/F
West of Bum Phuck, Pennsylvania
Introduction
REMEMBER: We have nothing to fear but fear itself............... and spiders.
PLEASE READ THIS OR DO NOT RESPOND OR EXPECT AN ANSWER.
Please read the whole profile, esp the testimonials before emailing me!!! It will keep you from being fustrated or feelin foolish, trust me! I'm not your typical woman, I can drive a stick shift. (Why do men think this is fascinating?) I am more than my pics, I have a brain. I am looking for friends, online first and maybe more. Not looking for meaningless sex or cyber. Please email me before trying to IM me. I want to know who you are and not be doing a search first. I won't respond w/o knowing who you are.
If you wash your hands more than 50x/day, please don't contact me unless you're a busy health professional. If you watch Klee at oh-dark-thirty and contemplate your colon health, you're not for me. Any relationship would be based on ragging you about impacted fecal matter. If you can't laugh at life, please move on. If your astrological chart says we're a match, we're not. Geography is not an obstacle. I'm moving in '09 and looking for a new home base. Just because you're close doesn't mean we're a match, just because you're far it doesn't mean we aren't. "Long walks on the beach at sunset holding hands" as an interest isn't a plus unless you plan to fly me to a beach from landlocked NW PA.
I dislike prosthelytizers, I was born right the first time. If God is your co-pilot, I'm not a passenger. Do NOT send your phone number until I ask for it. This means not in the first email or the first 20 minutes of an IM. I don't like pushy people. I like to get to know someone before we talk IRL. That saves finding out if the other is psychotic / stalker / drunk in the middle of the night I have to talk to you and tell you I love you and repeat it for 3 hours / serial killer / @sshole too soon. If the email or IMs are boring to you, call a chatline. Get real, this is online dating!
Pix of your "thingy" don't impress me, sorry. It doesn't make me swoon. Use some imagination and quit posting the ugly little head that has no smile. Please don't send a pic below the waist and think some magic makes it more special than the thousands of others on this site. Does it cure cancer? Does it shoot lasers? Does it play the guitar? (Yes, they all stand at attention.) I want to see your smile! Don't tell me what you want to do to me, we've never even met. Guaranteed you'll never get there if you do. Don't insult me by sending a single line thinking it will make me hop. Talk to me. If you wouldn't say it in front of your momma, don't say it to me. And please be able to spell. This sounds minor, but if you don't care to write a decent profile (a first and lasting impression) and don't have the savvy to use a Spell check, I don't think we'll click. I won't post pix of my dawg, too many petophiles around.
Sex does not mean it HAS to be crude and smutty. For me is a tender act between two people who care about each other. And it comes after getting to know someone, not by expecting to put a notch in your bedpost. If that's what you want or have had in the past I am not interested in adding to your body count. Go away. I am presently concentrating on one particular body and it's not YOURS. *wink* But friends are great.
NO MARRIED MEN, NO MARRIED MEN, NO MARRIED MEN. You are not the exception. This also goes for any attachment. I'm a nice lady who needs a few new friends (or maybe a partner in crime). Should be born on or near this planet but not currently in touch with the Mother Ship. Hair is optional, teeth are not (store bought or God-given). Please, only one chin per customer. Parents should be no more closely related than second cousins. You do not pull off the wings of flies. Should be height/weight proportional, not "as tall as wide". Also, "a few extra pounds" does not mean 50 or more. Please, no recent inmates need apply. I am very upbeat and looking for the same. Remember, the brain is the largest sex organ! My hobbies include dwarf tossing, bail jumping, going against the grain, swashbuckling and howling at the moon. I had to give up looting and pillaging though, I'm getting a bit old for that. I stay crunchy in milk. I've been on Geraldo. I am honest to a fault. (OK, I drive a gas-hog van. So sue me...) I'm loyal as a puppy (but mostly housebroken), kind to dumb animals and men (wait, that's redundant), very loving and cuddly (read: sickeningly mushy, except for the aforementioned milk thing), caring and giving (until you ask for a loan), and love touching in private and PDAs (public displays of affection). Yeah, I'm Mary Freakin' Poppins, you got a problem with that?? But don't be afraid, I do have a serious side. Write and see if we could be friends first. Remember, if you have the right partner, there are no tough times. Sharing cuts your sorrows in half but doubles your joy!
Smiling is very important to me, can you make me smile?
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~"We don't stop playing because we get old, we get old because we stop playing." ~ Doyle Brunson (Texas Dolly is the man!)
~*~ Nuke a Godless Commie gay baby seal for Christ. ~*~
My Ideal Person: Interesting and attractive people who can spend an evening concentrating on what's ABOVE the neck. I have just started a new reltionship so for now, I just am making friends. Since there is no listing for that, I guess it falls under "Other Alternative Activities." I like to do just about anything new and different! I'll try anything once provided the risk of dying is low. If I don't like it, I don't have to do it again. I'm classy enough to impress your mom but also to know when to tell a dirty joke in a bar. I guess we can't go "clubbing" cuz people gripe about the dead baby seals. So let's tag an overpass with the periodic table together. *wink* Sharing something is so much better than doing it alone. Hear a band, see a movie, have a nice meal or just go for ice cream. Maybe we could devise an evil plot for World Domination. I'd even let you rule, Empress of Earth is good enough for me. That way I can skip the pesky board meetings. I truly enjoy good company and conversation. I love to be feminine (heels, dresses, jewelry, perfume) but don't mind getting dirty. I am a "hat person". Good manners are a turn-on. If you're nice to me I'll share my pomegranates. Let's not allow existence to replace living. There are so many nice places around here for picnics, just to go out and enjoy the splendor. This time of year we won't be skiing though, I'm allergic to snow. I like rides in the country, with or without a destination. We can listen to Clapton, or Cream, or Blind Faith. Heck, we can even listen to Derek and the Dominoes, I'm flexible. I can be a cheap date, it doesn't have to cost a lot of money to be fun. We could play laundromat games and sneak sexy lingerie into hubby's load of briefs and watch the fur fly as she folds or put red socks into white loads. Let's share a Rice Krispy Parallelogram and poke dead things with a stick.
Are we having fun yet?
Some of my interests include:
*staring directly at the sun
*corpse reanimation
*anesthesiologist for tree surgeons
*ruffling feathers
*forensic entomology (drives me buggy)
*herding bats
*paying attention - - wait - where was I
*critters-owning some / eating others
*Oompa Loompas rawk
*reading - The Cat in the Hat has such great plot twists
*history - of the World (Part I )
*proving Einstein wrong
*entering through exits
*writing manifestos
*cloning myself
*National Sarcasm Society - Like we need your support
*putting stink bugs in bosses car
*getting rid of evidence and/or witnesses
*mutating
*shiny objects - oooooooh!!!
*collecting warts
*posting my exs number in gay bars
*laughing at Creationists
*Remember: Dyslexics are teople poo
*biting my toenails (yours if ya ask)
*defying gravity OOPSY
*Bobby Flay-Alton Brown - guys w/BIG spice racks (yes guys, with a "Spice Rack" size matters)
*sub-atomic universes
*burning stuff ~ FIRE PRETTY
*fake vomit
*being unimpressed
*chasing rabbits
*face-eating weasels
*(nobody expects) The Spanish Inquisition
*dividing prime numbers
*juggling potato chips
*shrunken heads - DONORS NEEDED
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
~ No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
~ When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
~ If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
~ Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
~ You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
~ Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
~ Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
~ You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
~ Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
~ The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
~ Wrinkles don't hurt.
~ Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
~ Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
~ Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
~ Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
~ Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
~ Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
~ When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
~ You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
~ It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
~ Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
~ Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
HOW TO TELL WHEN YOU'RE GROWN UP
~ Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
~ Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
~ You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
~ 6 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
~ You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
~ You watch the weather channel.
~ Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up".
~ You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14 days.
~ Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
~ You're the one calling the police because those damm kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
~ Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
~ You don't know (or care) what time the mall closes anymore.
~ Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
~ You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
~ Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
~ You take naps.
~ Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
~ Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
~ You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid not condoms and pregnancy test.
~ A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "Pretty good sh!t".
~ You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
~ "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces " I'm never going to drink that much again. "
~ 90% of the time you spend in the front of a computer is for real work.
~ You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
~ When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh sh!t, what the hell happened?"
~ When it's 10 PM and instead of getting ready to go out, you wonder why you aren't in bed yet.
BONUS
~ You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old @ss.
RULES FOR LIFE:
~ Never eat at a place called Mom's.
~ Never play cards with a man named Doc.
~ Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
~ Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
~ Never share a foxhole with someone who is braver than you are.
~ Never argue with a woman when she's tired.
~ Never argue with a woman when she's rested.
~ Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
~ Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight!
~ Never decide to buy anything while listening to the salesman.
~ Never argue with a fool. People may not be able to tell the difference.
~ Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
~ Never argue with a man who buys ink by the gallon.
~ Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.
~ Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
~ Never try to out-stubborn a cat.
~ Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.
~ Never eat prunes when you're hungry.
~ Never say, "Sorry, we don't have what you're looking for." Always say, "I just sold the last one the other day."
~ Never use one word when twelve will suffice.
~ Never hold a contest at a square dance.
~ Never buy a recording of a heavy metal barbershop quartet.
~ Never listen to Chubby Checker's "Let's do the Twist", when you're stuck in quicksand.
~ Never be the first to do anything.
~ Never let go of what you have unless you have hold of something else.
~ Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.
~ Never start something that you can't fin
Information
- 54 / female
-
West of Bum Phuck, Pennsylvania, United States
Sexual Orientation:
Bi-sexual
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| Looking For: Men, Women or Couples (man and woman) for Other "Alternative" Activities |
| Birthdate: | November 9, 1957 (54 years old) |
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| Hometown: | , | ||
| Relocate?: | Maybe/Yes | ||
| Marital Status: | Attached | ||
| Height: | 5 ft 8 in / 172-175 cm | ||
| Body Type: | Slim/Petite | ||
| Smoking: | I'm a light/social smoker | ||
| Drinking: | I'm a light/social drinker | ||
| Drugs: | I don't use drugs | ||
| Education: | Some college | ||
| Occupation: | Cult Leader | ||
| Race: | Caucasian | ||
| Religion: | Catholic | ||
| Have Children: | Yes. We do not live together. | ||
| Want Children: | No | ||
| Bra Size: | |||
| Speaks: | English | ||
| Hair Color: | Red/Auburn | ||
| Hair Length: | Long | ||
| Eye Color: | Blue | ||
| Glasses or Contacts: | None | ||
| My Trophy Case: | 
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