last three years
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Posted:Jun 14, 2009 6:26 am
Last Updated:Sep 23, 2014 5:45 pm
11640 Views
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To bring you up to date from the last entry in May 2006 I am divorced, living alone. Living full time female as a non-op transsexual in August of 2009. That's about it.
Amy
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5/26-6/4
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Posted:Jun 19, 2006 4:44 am
Last Updated:Sep 23, 2014 5:45 pm
11389 Views
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Day 1 Friday 5/26; Friday started being a bad day. I was depressed. By the time I arrived at my therapy session I was almost suicidal figuring there was no way out for me. At the end of my session my therapist suggested that I stay at the hospital for a few days. Waiting "I want to go home", "I don't want to be here". It was not what I expected. I was checked in to the psych ward. It is the Memorial Day weekend and there would be no one to see me till Tuesday. "I don't belong here". I was in the PSYCH WARD.
Day 2 Saturday 5/27: My room mate snores LOUDLY, like something from a cartoon. I couldn't' sleep for the next few days. Slow day though I had visits from my wife and . I may be same here but I'm going crazy. All that can be done is eat, read, write, pace, and sleep. I'm scared. I did though have a visit from my friend J and her lady friend T.
Day 3 Sunday 5/28: I feel uncomfortable, I can't relax. This is not doing any good. There is nothing to do. My wife brought me some fruit, something that has been missing. I called my friends B and T. My wife that had been so resistant to any outward change in me started talking about compromise.
Day 4 Monday 5/29 When my wife arrived we talked about things that she would be willing to accept as a compromise. We talked about being ok with me getting out more as me (away from home), also going out together with her getting nails done, hair, shopping together (her ideas), electrolysis, and a mild dosage of hormones (my ideas). This is wonderful news. She needs me. I had called my friends B and T to talk to and they wanted to come and visit, I had pushed them off from lunchtime to dinner (my wife was originally not coming) to Tuesday (my wife would be at work). I did start thinking was this compromise enough will I be living "half a life".
Day 5 Tuesday 5/30 I started thinking about the good part of my life that I can now start living. I had an interview with the physiologist (I don't relate well to men) it was a little hard to understand him with his accent. The room was full of interns listening to my answers to his questions. I was a little nervous just because I don't relate to me and that I wanted to answer the questions correctly in order to get out of this prison. My wife showed up unexpected, she was called for a meeting with the doctors. I was also expecting B and T, it was to be the first time my wife met any of the trans people that I know. B, T, my wife and I had a nice conversation. My wife ended up really liking and trusting them. The food is not great, I ate a half of a turkey sandwich that my wife had brought me the day before. End of day 5.
Day 6 Wednesday 5/31 The thing is that if you are going to be released is that they tell you about it the day before. So I knew that I was not going to get out on Wednesday. As usual there is not much to do. Exercise therapy, recreational therapy (in other words go for a walk outside, the first time I had been out since Friday). I talked to the doctor, I never know if I say the right thing. My stress and anxiety over my relationship is starting to life but I have to et our of here to feel any better. I'm a caged animal. I'm eating junk, chicken nuggets for dinner, cookies for snacks. Twice a day they test my blood sugar because I am pre diabetes. There are many different people here some you can talk to and some you can't. I will tell you about on woman that seemed rational; I tried to talk to her for an hour. She was just very hear to reach, she has given up on life she says that she no quality of life. When she left the next day she gave me a hug, maybe I did reach here a little.
Day 7 Thursday 6/1 My room mate left on Wednesday so I had a night without snoring. I was thinking about my future, my fulfillment as a woman. I have been trying to deny it for so long. I always feel giddy (for lack of a better word) when someone refers to me as her or by my REAL name, Amy. My therapist came to see me and we talked for about 15 mins. To cut the story short I stayed over one more night. I had a therapy group downstairs and an appointment with the therapist in the morning. Why can't I be "normal?" The fire alarm went off just at dinner arrived. We had to wait 45 minuets in the hall before we could eat. Needles to say it was cold. But it also was one of the best meals. I had to walked down to the group, it was like a prisoner transfer. The topic of the group naturally focused on depression and suicide. I told my story of the week and each told a little of their experiences. It all comes back to you have to be true to yourself. I don't know how anything is going to be right.
Day 8 Friday 6/2 I was watching a bird outside my window (still in my prison) with wonderment, marveling how perfectly nature had planned its existence. How it changed direction so quickly as it was sitting on the wire fence. I wonder what it could be thinking. The human race is cursed with too much though. Why can't we exist like the birds and just be happy. I signed some papers, was released, went to my appointment with the therapist, and went home.
The weekend I told my wife my name, Amy. I told her about this TG party that is held every 6 weeks and asked her is she had a problem if I wanted to go. Since she knew that B and T were going she was ok with it. We went out shopping and bought some clothes for me (2 skirt and 2 blouses). I decided to wear the dress I already had. I showed her some of the things I has previously bought. Things may ok after all. But we will worry about the future in the future.
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5/26-6/4
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Posted:Jun 19, 2006 4:43 am
Last Updated:May 21, 2024 9:30 am
11098 Views
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Day 1 Friday 5/26; Friday started being a bad day. I was depressed. By the time I arrived at my therapy session I was almost suicidal figuring there was no way out for me. At the end of my session my therapist suggested that I stay at the hospital for a few days. Waiting "I want to go home", "I don't want to be here". It was not what I expected. I was checked in to the psych ward. It is the Memorial Day weekend and there would be no one to see me till Tuesday. "I don't belong here". I was in the PSYCH WARD.
Day 2 Saturday 5/27: My room mate snores LOUDLY, like something from a cartoon. I couldn't' sleep for the next few days. Slow day though I had visits from my wife and . I may be same here but I'm going crazy. All that can be done is eat, read, write, pace, and sleep. I'm scared. I did though have a visit from my friend J and her lady friend T.
Day 3 Sunday 5/28: I feel uncomfortable, I can't relax. This is not doing any good. There is nothing to do. My wife brought me some fruit, something that has been missing. I called my friends B and T. My wife that had been so resistant to any outward change in me started talking about compromise.
Day 4 Monday 5/29 When my wife arrived we talked about things that she would be willing to accept as a compromise. We talked about being ok with me getting out more as me (away from home), also going out together with her getting nails done, hair, shopping together (her ideas), electrolysis, and a mild dosage of hormones (my ideas). This is wonderful news. She needs me. I had called my friends B and T to talk to and they wanted to come and visit, I had pushed them off from lunchtime to dinner (my wife was originally not coming) to Tuesday (my wife would be at work). I did start thinking was this compromise enough will I be living "half a life".
Day 5 Tuesday 5/30 I started thinking about the good part of my life that I can now start living. I had an interview with the physiologist (I don't relate well to men) it was a little hard to understand him with his accent. The room was full of interns listening to my answers to his questions. I was a little nervous just because I don't relate to me and that I wanted to answer the questions correctly in order to get out of this prison. My wife showed up unexpected, she was called for a meeting with the doctors. I was also expecting B and T, it was to be the first time my wife met any of the trans people that I know. B, T, my wife and I had a nice conversation. My wife ended up really liking and trusting them. The food is not great, I ate a half of a turkey sandwich that my wife had brought me the day before. End of day 5.
Day 6 Wednesday 5/31 The thing is that if you are going to be released is that they tell you about it the day before. So I knew that I was not going to get out on Wednesday. As usual there is not much to do. Exercise therapy, recreational therapy (in other words go for a walk outside, the first time I had been out since Friday). I talked to the doctor, I never know if I say the right thing. My stress and anxiety over my relationship is starting to life but I have to et our of here to feel any better. I'm a caged animal. I'm eating junk, chicken nuggets for dinner, cookies for snacks. Twice a day they test my blood sugar because I am pre diabetes. There are many different people here some you can talk to and some you can't. I will tell you about on woman that seemed rational; I tried to talk to her for an hour. She was just very hear to reach, she has given up on life she says that she no quality of life. When she left the next day she gave me a hug, maybe I did reach here a little.
Day 7 Thursday 6/1 My room mate left on Wednesday so I had a night without snoring. I was thinking about my future, my fulfillment as a woman. I have been trying to deny it for so long. I always feel giddy (for lack of a better word) when someone refers to me as her or by my REAL name, Amy. My therapist came to see me and we talked for about 15 mins. To cut the story short I stayed over one more night. I had a therapy group downstairs and an appointment with the therapist in the morning. Why can't I be "normal?" The fire alarm went off just at dinner arrived. We had to wait 45 minuets in the hall before we could eat. Needles to say it was cold. But it also was one of the best meals. I had to walked down to the group, it was like a prisoner transfer. The topic of the group naturally focused on depression and suicide. I told my story of the week and each told a little of their experiences. It all comes back to you have to be true to yourself. I don't know how anything is going to be right.
Day 8 Friday 6/2 I was watching a bird outside my window (still in my prison) with wonderment, marveling how perfectly nature had planned its existence. How it changed direction so quickly as it was sitting on the wire fence. I wonder what it could be thinking. The human race is cursed with too much though. Why can't we exist like the birds and just be happy. I signed some papers, was released, went to my appointment with the therapist, and went home.
The weekend I told my wife my name, Amy. I told her about this TG party that is held every 6 weeks and asked her is she had a problem if I wanted to go. Since she knew that B and T were going she was ok with it. We went out shopping and bought some clothes for me (2 skirt and 2 blouses). I decided to wear the dress I already had. I showed her some of the things I has previously bought. Things may ok after all. But we will worry about the future in the future.
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April 20 2006 First Day Out
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Posted:Jun 19, 2006 4:42 am
Last Updated:May 21, 2024 9:30 am
11116 Views
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My first day out.
One of the best days of my life.
The two highlights were looking at me in the dressing room mirror in my new dress.
I was beaming. I know who I am.
And later having my picture taken by my friend wearing that dress out in front of her house a mom walking by in the street pushing a stroller said
"Look at the pretty lady".
On cloud 9.
Shopping at Payless shoes and Fashon Bug I bough 2 pairs of shoes, 2 tops and this summer dress for a total of $54.
The out for a bite to eat at the diner.
Out for the first time and I didn't flinch for a second, I was me why should I.
Amy
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0
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April 20 2006 First Day Out
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Posted:Jun 19, 2006 4:39 am
Last Updated:Sep 23, 2014 5:46 pm
11151 Views
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My first day out.
One of the best days of my life.
The two highlights were looking at me in the dressing room mirror in my new dress.
I was beaming. I know who I am.
And later having my picture taken by my friend wearing that dress out in front of her house a mom walking by in the street pushing a stroller said
"Look at the pretty lady".
On cloud 9.
Shopping at Payless shoes and Fashon Bug I bough 2 pairs of shoes, 2 tops and this summer dress for a total of $54.
The out for a bite to eat at the diner.
Out for the first time and I didn't flinch for a second, I was me why should I.
Amy
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0
Comments
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My Story
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Posted:Dec 4, 2005 7:10 pm
Last Updated:Sep 23, 2014 5:46 pm
11829 Views
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I think I first realized I enjoyed cross dressing when my sister had me put on her Brownie outfit. I must have been around 10 at the time. Since then off and on I would dress up (in private). Over the last 4 years I have steped it up but still dress up in private. ... more
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