The Chauffeur and The Penis Bong
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Posted:Jan 4, 2009 11:51 am
Last Updated:Jan 7, 2009 5:02 pm
11449 Views
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So I got pulled over for speeding the other day, which isn't really a huge surprise since on average it happens monthly.
I was lucky enough to be able to talk my way out the ticket, which was fortunate because the Georgia DMV said a couple more tickets and i'll require a chauffeur for a 6-12 month period.
Hmmmmm...Maybe I haven't thought this through all the way, perhaps i've missed a possibility for a fantastic blog worthy porn moment.
I could hire a cute one, ooh or maybe join the chauffeur of the month club and they'll just send me a new hottie every 30 days.
Mmmmm,I can visualize it...
Ok, so hot chauffeur guy, we'll call him...let's see, Mark, yeah that sounds like a hot young chauffeur guy type porn star, i'll just call them all that so I don't have to remember their individual names.
Anyway, so he comes to pick me up at the airport.
I walk toward the car wearing a sexy dress and a pair of to die for strappy stilettos. What? This is my fantasy and the shoes are important. When he goes to open the car door for me, i'll look at him all seductively, giving him the ole package check out and say "so Mark,think you can drive me home" running my finger across his cheek and under his chin.
He looks at me all porn style and says "oh yeah, i'll drive you all the way home"
Cue the porn music, you know (brown chicken brown cow)
Chauffeur Mark drives us to a secluded spot climbs in the back of the car, where i'm waiting stripped down to sexy lingerie and my fabulous shoes of course. He puts his hands on my hips and slides my panties down caressing my legs with his manly hands.
He starts at my knee kissing up my thigh, stopping to give my hot, dripping pussy a soft lick, then he stops, looks up at me and says "want me to uh..check your oil ma'am?"
Oh god, did I really just write that? I know i'm a fan of classic 70's porn but come on. Do I secretly fantasize about growing an enormous jungle bush and gettin it on with some guy rockin pants so tight you can tell if he's circumcised or not and a perm?
Sounds like a topic of discussion for idiot therapist, don't you think?
Yes! Chauffeur of the month club is definitely the way to go.
It sure sounds like a lot more fun then the grapefruit plus mystery fruit I received when my crazy aunt so generously gave me a membership to the fruit of the month club as a wedding gift.
Not that I don't enjoy a good pear and all, but porn level sex with assorted cute boys in those little uniforms....Way better!!
Originally, I started writing this to tell you about a memorable speeding pull over experience I once had...
I had just crossed over the county line into my uber conservative little town when I notice the ever so familiar
blue glow, followed closely by the standard reaction of
"oh shit". I pull over, making sure to check out the make up in the mirror cause you gotta at least try to get out of it, right?
Cop guy comes to my window, i'm almost a professional speeding ticket receiver, so I have all the items I know he'll be requesting in my hand waiting for him.
He looks at my license, looks at me, then I notice him glance into my back seat, he makes a weird face and says he'll be right back and goes to his car.
I'm freaking out because I am just convinced this is the time they will finally take me to prison for excessive speeding.
So cop guy returns, leaning over looking in my back seat again and says "where are you on your way too in such a hurry?"
I reply with "oh just on my way home"
Ok, what happened next could have and really for story telling potential, should have turned into a porno moment.
But instead turned out to be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life....
Cop guy looks at me and says "your big hurry doesn't have anything to do with that does it?" as he nods his head toward my backseat. As if in slow motion, I turn around and am immediately hit with nausea, the kind you would get if you were being searched while attempting to cross the border and you know you have 600 pounds of pot plus 2 mexicans in your trunk...
Oh, I forgot to mention that I drive a convertible, the top was down and I had just come from a shopping trip at my favorite pleasure palace for some birthday gifts for friends and a couple of things for me. I had two big, brown paper bags full of goodies sitting in the seat.
Apparently at some point, my erratic driving made one of the bags fall sideways and the other in the floorboard.
So there I am already worried i'm going to prison, staring at a backseat full of sex toys, lube, and of course, one of those 24 inch dildos(it was a gift you pervs), just laying there.
And if that wasn't enough, there was also a gift for one of my pot smoking friends which was a bong thingy shaped like a huge cock.
I turned back around to cop guy, smile, obviously horrified that he saw any of this, and say with a nervous laugh
"oh my god, I swear they are gifts, I swear"
cop guy smiles at me, taps my license on the thing the window rolls down into, hands it to me and says
"you uh have fun ma'am" so yeah I got out of that ticket too.
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6
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Inspirational Sex?
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Posted:Jan 1, 2009 2:00 am
Last Updated:Jan 6, 2009 2:34 pm
11315 Views
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I've had my checklist for the new year prepared mentally for months. I like to be organized.
While waiting to catch a flight home Saturday with the older spouse, I didn't play my usual secret game of "would I fuck him/her". Alright, I did a little, but nothing good.
Mostly because I was wearing my hangover sunglasses and begging strangers passing by to put me out of my misery.
Ok,not really, but I really, really wanted too.
I laid my head back on the chair and started thinking about my list. Thinking about all the things i'd like to accomplish.
All the experiences i'd like to have. And of course a couple of sexual adventures i'd like to be able to add to my resume.
I soon realized that my list sucks, I didn't even HAVE a decent sexual adventure i'd like to have in the new year.
It was just generic. No action. Not even a couple of things that would frighten a normal non "alleged sex addict" type person.
I'm nothing without the XXX porn movie running non-stop in my head and my love of coming up with exciting ways for men to push their boundaries way out of their comfort zone.
Will Mr.Two strip me of my title of "destroyer of men"?
I can't possibly be me without my sexual creativity.
It's what drives me to be bad, in a good way of course.
When in full force it makes me get this seductive look on my face coupled with a very mischievous grin, which is always a guarantee that somebody will be having a very interesting experience with me.
I know I can count on you, the pervs I love, to help me with this. Give me some inspiration for my adventure list of 2009.
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Coming Soon
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Posted:Dec 31, 2008 7:36 am
Last Updated:Jan 3, 2009 11:44 am
11008 Views
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Have you missed me?
You know you better say "YES"
My extra curricular activities have been keeping me pretty busy lately.
I promise to give you something good very soon.
I just can't decide...
Will it be Sexy,Funny,Informative?
Hmmmmm, or possibly a combo
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3
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A Warm December..........
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Posted:Dec 19, 2008 6:40 pm
Last Updated:Dec 31, 2008 7:27 am
11250 Views
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It's been in the 70's and humid here for the past few days.
There is just something about the moist heat that makes the dirty girl want to be bad. Do something unexpected, unpredictable, like jump on a plane by myself and go to a small southern beach town or something of the like, find a boy that i've never met, yet seems oddly familiar.
He'll come to me, put his hand around my waist, pulling me closer to him with just enough force to let me know he'll be dominating me, whispering in my ear with his sexy accent, all the dirty little things he wants to do to me, takes me home with him and treats my body to an unbelievable session of pleasure that starts at my neck, kissing and lightly sucking it, making a well orchestrated move down my chest to my stomach and belly button.
I beg him to let me feel his full lips just a little further down. He ignores me, kissing my thighs exactly the way he had my neck, causing me to squirm and move my legs in hopes that he may accidentally brush past my soaking wet pussy with his amazing tongue.
Continuing to ignore my pleas for him to fuck me, he looks up at me with his mouth on the inside of my thigh with a confident grin, knowing he has full control of me at that moment and he will be the one deciding when i'm going to cum.
I've never been able to trust anyone I know enough to so much as experiment with my fantasies of giving up complete control, yet for some reason i'm completely comfortable letting him have all of me.
He'll wait until he's pushed me to the edge and I can't take anymore, finally giving me what I need, exactly what my body needs...............
mmmmmmmmmm
It better cool down soon or the caged sex addict may go crazy.
HEYWMS
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7
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Porn Theater Sex - Repost
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Posted:Dec 18, 2008 11:20 am
Last Updated:Dec 31, 2008 7:29 am
11868 Views
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This lovely site accidently deleted this post and all the comments from this morning.
A recent conversation reminded me of an incident that took place with one of the former boy toys.
We had only ever had sex in private, just the two of us, one day I was telling him about my fantasy of being fucked in the porn theater. He was excited about it, so much so that we had to have sex again and talk about it.
I was pretty excited, as I always am when preparing to make one of my dirty little fantasies a reality.
We often talked about the filthy things he wanted to do and try to feed his exhibitionist needs.
The time came, we had a couple, a few, ok fine, several drinks to loosen us up then headed for the theater.
We find our seats, which wasn't easy at all because it was so dark in there and the movie was all dark and grainy.
The movie did finally light up the place enough that I realized I was the only girl in the place, most of the men were jacking off and staring at me.
It was so seedy and disgusting it just made me want to live out my porn star fantasy even more.
So I tell him it's go time, he says "no we can't do that why can't we just watch the movie?"
That was the last time I saw him, there was just something about him trying to be someone he wasn't that ruined it for him.
Oh well, some girls like their men filthy rich, model level good looking, even a bad boy with a police record.
Me? All I expect is for them to be uninhibited and open to try new and exciting things.
Consider this a fact finding research kind of thing.
If your partner asked to do any of the things listed below would you agree to at least try it?
Take her to a porn theater, bend her over the seats, lift her skirt and fuck her from behind
Have a threesome in any combination of her choosing
Try a swingers club and be ok if your partner should hook up
Take her to a sex club so she can pretend to be a stripper while working the pole completely naked.
Film the two of you having sex...and let other people see it
Be ok with her touching herself in the car, on a road trip, on the interstate, in broad daylight.
Let them sleep with other people as long as they are completely honest about it.
Be ok with her having girl on girl when you're not around
Agree to go to The Bunny Ranch in Nevada for playtime
Let her ride you while you're driving.
I realize that not everyone is as uninhibited as I am and to be honest sometimes when entertaining my need to push my own boundaries, I do need to be reeled back into reality, if for no other reason than to keep me from being arrested.
All I really want from my partner is honesty and a willingness to at least try something outside their comfort zone.
Besides if someone did slip past my secret velvet ropes without getting his list of rules if playing my game or being put through the series of secret tests, then chances are that i'll give him more attention and be patient enough to guide him as to how to pleasure me to the highest degree.
Who knows I may even let him say no once in a while without putting him on the curb, he'll of course have to make it up to me in a big creative way though.
Now that I think about it, I never did get to live out the porn theater fantasy...
So what are your deal breakers?
Or
What is the strangest thing a partner has told you no about?
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10
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Porn Theater Sex
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Posted:Dec 18, 2008 1:54 am
Last Updated:Dec 19, 2008 10:12 am
11037 Views
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A recent conversation reminded me of an incident that took place with one of the former boy toys.
We had only ever had sex in private, just the two of us, one day I was telling him about my fantasy of being fucked in the porn theater. He was excited about it, so much so that we had to have sex again and talk about it.
I was pretty excited, as I always am when preparing to make one of my dirty little fantasies a reality.
We often talked about the filthy things he wanted to do and try to feed his exhibitionist needs.
The time came, we had a couple, a few, ok fine, several drinks to loosen us up then headed for the theater.
We find our seats, which wasn't easy at all because it was so dark in there and the movie was all dark and grainy.
The movie did finally light up the place enough that I realized I was the only girl in the place, most of the men were jacking off and staring at me.
It was so seedy and disgusting it just made me want to live out my porn star fantasy even more.
So I tell him it's go time, he says "no we can't do that why can't we just watch the movie?"
That was the last time I saw him, there was just something about him trying to be someone he wasn't that ruined it for him.
Oh well, some girls like their men filthy rich, model level good looking, even a bad boy with a police record.
Me? All I expect is for them to be uninhibited and open to try new and exciting things.
Consider this a fact finding research kind of thing.
If your partner asked to do any of the things listed below would you agree to at least try it?
Take her to a porn theater, bend her over the seats, lift her skirt and fuck her from behind
Have a threesome in any combination of her choosing
Try a swingers club and be ok if your partner should hook up
Take her to a sex club so she can pretend to be a stripper while working the pole completely naked.
Film the two of you having sex...and let other people see it
Be ok with her touching herself in the car, on a road trip, on the interstate, in broad daylight.
Let them sleep with other people as long as they are completely honest about it.
Be ok with her having girl on girl when you're not around
Agree to go to The Bunny Ranch in Nevada for playtime
Let her ride you while you're driving.
I realize that not everyone is as uninhibited as I am and to be honest sometimes when entertaining my need to push my own boundaries, I do need to be reeled back into reality, if for no other reason than to keep me from being arrested.
All I really want from my partner is honesty and a willingness to at least try something outside their comfort zone.
Besides if someone did slip past my secret velvet ropes without getting his list of rules if playing my game or being put through the series of secret tests, then chances are that i'll give him more attention and be patient enough to guide him as to how to pleasure me to the highest degree.
Who knows I may even let him say no once in a while without putting him on the curb, he'll of course have to make it up to me in a big creative way though.
Now that I think about it, I never did get to live out the porn theater fantasy...
So what are your deal breakers?
Or
What is the strangest thing a partner has told you no about?
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4
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A Pornstache & A Suction Cup Dildo
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Posted:Dec 15, 2008 3:29 am
Last Updated:Jan 9, 2009 10:32 am
11349 Views
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1. I've never been with a guy with more than a very neatly trimmed goatee as far as facial hair goes. It's just never really been my thing, possibly because when I see a man with thick hair around his lips, I can't help but look at it with my head turned sideways because in my mind it looks like a big ole vagina.
I'm not kidding! I was at the mall one day and this man with a thick black mustache had one of those giant jaw breakers in his mouth and I swear when I turned my head to the side, it looked like his mouth was giving birth to a candy coated pink baby.
Try it next time you see one. Then you'll be messaging me saying "OMG S you were right it does look like a vagina".
For some reason I have been thinking about this guy I know that has a semi thick pornstache (pornstache: See Ron Jeremy) and for some reason lately, the thought of that thing tickling my inner thighs is driving me absolutely wild. Have you ever had anything unusual like that turn you on just out of nowhere?
I mean I could understand if a guys cock was shaped like, I don't know, the Matterhorn or something, ok no that's a bad example that would just be weird. But you know what I mean, right?
2. Have you ever met someone of the opposite sex that you think, in my case, if I was a boy i'd probably be him(but cuter, right?)
Do you think that's weird?
If you know your bedroom skills are quality do you think that means the person so very similar to you in so many ways will deliver the same gold star performance?
Just curious...
3. I have finally found a replacement for the vagina waxer!!
I've waited a few days before giving a review just in case things took an ugly turn. Much to my surprise, she did a great job. The new place isn't in PTC but really close and it cost half the price that those bastards at Spa S did.
So I can happily report that my girlie parts are happy again and smooth as silk.
The #1BF can be a bit territorial at times, which makes me want to freak him out just because it's funny, well it is to me anyway. So here's how it went down:
Him: please tell me it was a woman that waxed you?
I swear he just sets me up for the swing to mess with him.
Me: no, why would that matter anyway?
Him: sarcastically "oh good"
Me: That place was so cool, he did it differently then Spa S, he said it was a European method that hasn't taken off here yet
Him: What? What does that mean? oh god what did he do S?
Me: Oh nothing really it was just different, You know when they do like the inside bottom part?
Him: uh huh yeah so what'd he do?
Me: well he just kinda stuck his finger down there i guess maybe in there a little cuz he said by bracing his hand that way the wax would pull away easier
Him: Whaaat the fuuuuck?
Me: oh yeah and when I was on all fours he took a picture of me from behind, something about showing other people the results
Him:Are you fucking kidding me? What's wrong with you?
he put his finger in you? i'll fuckin kill him!
Finally, I said, after waiting for him to get so upset that he's unable to get his words out so they even make sense
"no,i'm just kidding, it was a woman"
I just can't help myself, for some reason it's just hilarious to me when he gets all wound up like that.
Who in the hell would be that damn stupid as to fall for the whole "i'll just put my finger here" trick?
4. Remember when I told you about the older spouse having a torrid affair with my big purple dildo?
That little something I suggested one night a long time ago to spice things up came back to bite me on the ass.
I mean it was good and dirty to stick the purple monster up his ass the first couple of times, but my god, who wants to do that all the time?
Seriously, do the fetishists want to have their balls clamped together every night or have their partner fist them every afternoon or have their undercover lover piss on them everyday? I'm gonna go with NO! It's been a good little while since the purple monster has made an appearance, which means it's probably coming soon. Here's my question:
Should I buy the spouse one of those dildos with the suction cup on the bottom? I'm thinking then he can stick it up his own ass on his own time, anywhere he pleases.
Would this little stocking stuffer be as appreciated as when I give my dad 4 boxes of nice golf balls?
I could fore go the wrapping but put a bow on the head of it and a gift tag with his name written on it in big black letters.
So if Christmas night you see on the news that a sweet Peachtree City girl was bludgeoned with a suction cup dildo, you'll know who it is.
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My Sexual Mentor
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Posted:Dec 12, 2008 6:52 pm
Last Updated:Jan 31, 2009 7:10 pm
11242 Views
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Early on in my blogging days here I mentioned, in two different posts, the woman that taught me how to give the perfect blow job.
With opportunity knocking at the door, in the way of a very interesting Texas threesome, I couldn't help but be reminded of my days as her sexual protege.
I met Debra when I was 16, filling in for my friend that babysat her two .She was 40. I thought she was the sexiest woman I had ever seen, a title of which my older sister held until that day.
She was one of those women that could make men do whatever she wanted just by the way she looked at them.
Men loved her, she entranced them with her fruity signature scent. Her suitors ranged in age of early 30's to late 50's, all of which showed up at the door looking like horny dogs with a side of nervous.
Her features were like mine, dark hair, green eyes, and olive toned skin. Being as that having an all American blue eyed blonde look was what was considered to be the sexy standard back then, I loved seeing such a confident woman without platinum locks turn so many heads when she walked by.
I eventually took over as the regular babysitter, which allowed me to spend even more time in Debra's world. I'd get there as early as I possibly could, lay on her bed, watching her get ready for her night of seduction and talking about life.
When she returned home, we would sit on the sofa discussing her evening like two girlfriends at a sleepover.
One day she called me into her room while she was getting ready, saying that she wanted to show me something new she had gotten. I assumed it was a new dress or shoes, you know the normal stuff that would impress a 17 year old girl. Oh how wrong I was.
What she had was cooler than anything else she had in her arsenal of weapons used to hypnotize her men.
She steps out of her bathroom, opens up her Chinese kimono style robe, to reveal her bush shaved into the shape of a heart.
It was magnificent, much like seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time. At that moment, I knew without a doubt, that I wanted to be just like her.
I could talk to her about anything. She always had great advice about boys and filled me in on the naked truth of all her male companions, more than once I was caught on crotch watch after her telling me how enormous one of them was. I didn't understand why she would light up when she found out one of them was on the larger size, but since she got excited about it, so did I.
I'll admit that sometimes now I let myself get caught looking on purpose.
When I lost my virginity, at the age of 17, the first person I told was Debra, I knew she'd have words of encouragement as well as answers for all my post coital questions.
She had become my sexual mentor.
She helped me work through my frustration of not having an orgasm after two weeks of what seemed then like non-stop sex, by explaining muscle control and breathing patterns.
I had no clue what the hell she was talking about then, but I did soon after. She taught me how important pussy confidence was.
One evening when her were visiting their dad, Debra invited me over for pizza and a movie. Not unusual, we had done that before. This time, her now exclusive boyfriend was there. I think his name was Carl, or maybe Mark, oh I don't remember, it doesn't matter, we'll just call him Carl. Anyway so Carl was in his early 30's and so hot he made my mouth water and caused an immediate panty change when I got home.
The conversation that night turned to sex, as it so often did, the topic this time was oral, specifically performing it on a guy. Debra attempted to explain her method, soon realizing, I guess, that I was more of a visual learner, because before I knew it, she had unleashed Carl's cock, had it in her hand wiggling it around like it was a pork tenderloin while talking to me at the same time.
Now that I think about, I learned what a mosquito must feel like when he's heading toward a bug zapper, he knows he shouldn't even be looking at it, but can't help himself, he has to get closer to it.
Debra started working his cock over just like I had seen in the porno movies my brother thought he had so cleverly hidden in his closet. I was in amazement, not just because I was witnessing my very first non-high school half assed live sex act, but by her technique. Oh my god, she was like the Kristi Yamaguchi of cock sucking.
I decided right then that I had to learn to be an expert if I was to be able to hold my own when I got older.
I won't be sharing the fine details of exactly what she did, because that's just for me.
Of all the things I learned from Debra, and there were plenty that I didn't even touch on here, the best thing she ever taught me was the art of giving the perfect blow job.
I've tweaked the method a little to make it my own, but the basic technique is all hers.
She went on to marry an older guy who moved her off to St. Croix.
I miss her and would love the opportunity to see her again, to show her what a good job she did with her sexual protege.
Not to mention the boys that have passed through my life would probably like to have an address to send her a thank you note.
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Pussy Confidence
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Posted:Dec 9, 2008 8:54 pm
Last Updated:Dec 15, 2008 1:10 am
11789 Views
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Apparently normal people have issues with oral sex, unlike us pervs who crave having a cock shoved in our mouths or love nothing more than burying our faces in a pussy.
Poor regular folks, makes me want to hug them.
You know you love it when I give you facts & figures....
Random men and women on the street, were asked what the following 2 words meant. Here are some of the responses.
Fellatio:
*To pass gas
*To stimulate the penis with a hand
*A type of food (do you think they meant falafel?)
Cunnilingus:
*An animal
*A dinosaur
*Messing around when you're not supposed too
*Opening the butt (what the hell?)
When the men were asked what their favorite kind of sex is:
Vaginal 46%
Oral 49%
Both the men and the women were asked if they'd like oral sex more often 61% said YES! (I knew I wasn't the only one)
A lot of women can only climax with oral and are ashamed of it.
(if you are or know someone like this I want to hear about it)
Best excuses not to give oral:
Religious reasons (I love this one)
Cold sore
Strep throat
Sore jaw
Too tired
They were asked to rate the oral skills of their partner:
14% Poor
17% Fair
70% Good or Excellent (Yay!! For them!!!)
Lots of women are uncomfortable letting a man perform oral on them because they feel unattractive down there or that their partner will see them as a .
(? yeah? what's your point? isn't that part of the fun?)
The same women say they need to have a personal connection with a man before she could ever consider giving or receiving oral.
Mens biggest worries about performing oral on a woman:
Hair, Taste, Odor, Physical Discomfort
*Beer & coffee make your cum have a much stronger taste
Womens concerns with the same:
Gagging, Taste, Having to swallow, length of time needed
*Pineapple, kiwi, celery & melon will lighten and sweeten your taste.
I eat a lot of pineapple and haven't ever gotten any complaints, so maybe it works.
Ok, once again, i'd like to know just where in the hell they came up with these people for this poll.
They don't even know what the words mean, how could they possibly have a clue how to perform, much less enjoy a quality tongue bath?
Most of them said they wanted to have more oral sex, that gives me hope that maybe the ole practice makes perfect thing will work for them.
I know a lot of women that don't like to give head, sorry to say, most are married. They tell me they don't give in unless they want something or it's his birthday.
(I am so unappreciated at home)
I also have a lot of guy friends who say they won't go down on a girl they aren't in a relationship with, but at the same time they do expect the girl to give them a blow job.
My younger brother is a skirt chasin who does this very thing.
Confirming his male pigdom yet again by saying
"It's not like they have to do it, I mean i'm not calling them again, but it is their choice.
The next time anyone wonders why I have an outlook on sex like that of a guy...There you go.
It really bothers me that women would be uncomfortable letting their partner go down on them because they feel like they have an unattractive vagina, that's just horrible!
It's highly possible a rant is to follow....
In my opinion either end of the oral sex game is a confidence thing.
As a personal rule, I don't get involved with inexperienced partners (I just know, don't ask how, but I do), this rule includes virgins. I'm no teacher and I take both the giving and receiving of my physical pleasure very seriously and really don't have the patience to guide someone to greatness.
There's lots of women who love that and that's exactly how I learned, but i'm not one of them.
Have the women too uncomfortable to receive oral never been taught about having "Pussy Confidence"?
Just one more thing that makes me feel like I should hold some kind of seminar to help these women learn to love and empower their pussies and release their inner whores, only at appropriate times of course, because nobody likes a trashy .
And to think, we pervs have to hide our dirty little sexual secrets from these same so called "normal folks" when the truth is that they would probably give their lives to have the quality of sex we have just one time.
If these sad people are considered normal....
Then i'll wear my perv patch with pride baby!!!
I will of course proudly display it while i'm teasing the poor, clueless "normal" boys until they are rendered useless by their diamond hard erections.
I know it's not nice to prey on the weak boys, but I can't help it, it's just who I am.
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All I want for Christmas is...(see pic on left)
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Posted:Dec 7, 2008 12:14 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2009 6:26 am
12347 Views
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Well there's no denying it's Christmas time here in good ole Peachtree City.
Everyone has their golf carts decorated for the holiday, complete with tinsel, antlers, and of course, twinkling lights.
You see the moms lined up in front of the school in their carts wearing their best Christmas sweatshirt, sneering at the other moms because they are certain the others are jealous because they have the best decorated golf cart in this whole town.
Why in the hell would you put your golf cart in reindeer antlers and a red nose?
I know you think i'm joking, but sadly, i'm not.
It's the South Metro Atlanta version of Stepford.
For some reason I realized only this week, that all but like 4 of my neighbors have their lights put up by professionals.
Yep, you got it, my house included.
Now you didn't really think the older spouse was gonna do it did you? He could fall of the roof and.....hmmm, be right back I need to go buy a ladder. Just kidding!....I was to...I was..
I remember how much fun it used to be to watch my dad put the lights up on our house, he'd be on the roof, clutching for his life, hoping like hell he didn't roll off, with his 4 down below, the youngest trying to climb the ladder with an electric cord around his neck, the oldest complaining that she's never coming home again because of the 5 foot Santa on our porch, the oldest boy frustrated with his job of untangling the lights and saying 4 letter words under his breath, and finally, me yelling "Daddy?, Daddy?,how come we can't have pink lights like Barbie?" and telling him the pattern isn't right and he needs to move the bulbs around until it makes sense or I won't be able to sleep.
I wonder how many times he considered just going ahead and throwing himself off the roof?
Having the lights put on professionally has it's pros and cons.
The dad story above is a definite con since I don't get to make any of those memories having professionals install them.
On the pro side, the guy that puts them up is the same guy that does our yard, i've mentioned him before a while back, I refer to him as Hot Yard Guy, who is a rippling 25 yr old bronzed god. oh, By the way, he's sleeping with my friend (does her yard as well) and she thinks nobody knows.
All my neighbor ladies act like they are just walking their dogs when Hot Yard guy and his "just as hot" helpers are out mowing.
I of course, make sure i'm lounging by my pool wearing a super cute bikini when they get here then I get up say hi, bend over in front of them to gather my things then I head inside.
You know I love to tease....
I'm not allowed to offer them iced tea anymore, as per the older spouse. He's just no fun at all dammit!
So, if you were going to leave a gift for me under my tree...
What would it be? Don't hold back.
I've been really bad this year, but in a good way.
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15
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The Sex Addict Takes on Some Poetry
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Posted:Dec 5, 2008 12:01 am
Last Updated:Dec 10, 2008 5:33 am
10928 Views
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There are quite a bit of blogs around here that are just for displaying the poetry of the blogger.
They're all well written, refined, serious, you know stuff you go to one of those independent bookstores to hear a reading of.
Well, I don't write poetry at all, to be honest, I can hardly write a check, but I feel that I should add something for the poetry lovers around here.
Who knows? We may like adding some culture to the sex addicts blog.
So my next thought was that perhaps I could do a Haiku, maybe even made up of obscenities, then I realized the whole Haiku thing would only be fun if I was able to wear that white Kabuki makeup and do an interpretive dance with a little umbrella, ooh, or one of those ribbons on a stick, but alas, I didn't have enough time to pull all that together, so that's out.
Finally, it came to me, the pervs that read my blog wouldn't appreciate serious poetry anyway and will probably send me messages saying "what the hell?".
So I came up with some poetry that is perfect for fun lovin pervs like us.
*disclaimer: I did not write any of these, so no sending me messages that you are offended please. kisses
#1
Patty cake, patty cake,Baker's man
If your chick's on her period
Fuck her in the can
#2
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his fuckin' dick.
#3
Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe
Suck my dick and swallow slow
#4
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Shine upon the parking lot
As I eat my girl friends twat.
#5
Little jack Horner sat in a corner
Eating a pizza pie.
He shit pepperoni,
Then blew his friend Tony,
And wiped his mouth on his tie
#6
Little Bo Peep fucked her sheep
Blew a , licked his feet
She ate his ass so very nice
Tongued his balls not once but twice
#7
Hickory Dickory Dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
I dumped the bitch on the next block.
#8
Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie
Jerked off in his girlfriend's eye
When her eye was dry and shut
Georgie fucked that one-eyed slut
#9 (I think this is my favorite)
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
Trim that pussy it's too damn hairy
Ok, well soaking up all this culture has been exhausting, can we go back to the sex talk now?
Do YOU feel all cultured up now?
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6
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, 3 Pending
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The Wonder Woman of Vaginas
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Posted:Dec 2, 2008 12:30 pm
Last Updated:Dec 13, 2008 8:21 am
12066 Views
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I know you'll all find this hard to believe but over the holiday, I went 2 whole days without touching myself.
Which may also explain my overwhelming urge to assault the older spouse with a turkey leg.
My kitty usually requires some attention at the very least 3 times a day.
I have long suspected that the spouse has been performing some kind of weird hypnotic trick to attempt to kill my sex drive.
I'm not sure why he continues to try and repress her needs,
Who does he think he is?
My vagina is like Wonder Woman, she's tough enough to beat any man into submission, but is still soft, sexy and fabulous.
My holiday self pleasure hiatus has since passed thankfully and i'm back to my old self.
My fantasies have gone back to the me being a submissive that gets punished thing again.
The poly enthusiast was telling me how he'd like to turn me over his knee and give me a firm spanking until my cheeks turn red followed by him grabbing my hair and face fucking me.
Which then led to me thinking about having my wrists and ankles restrained while being licked and sucked until I beg for mercy.
OMG! I thought I was going to explode like a volcano.
I couldn't keep my hands out of my pants for the next hour.
The conference call I had in the middle of that didn't help matters at all. There was just something about knowing that all those other people were on the phone and had no idea that I wasn't wearing pants or much less rubbing my pussy.
Shortly after ending that call it was go time and finally got some well earned relief. So much relief that I had to go take a shower when I was done.
I can't help it, she gets very excited when she gets pet.
So anyway, that's how my holiday weekend went, how was yours?
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13
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Help Me Decide......
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Posted:Dec 1, 2008 10:12 pm
Last Updated:Dec 4, 2008 7:25 pm
10351 Views
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I have a couple of things in my head i've been thinking about writing, both of which are a bit heavy and i'm not in the mood for that right now.
Tell me what you think I should write about...
Personal
Sexual
relationship
Give me some good ideas. Is there something about me you think I should tell you about?
I need cool ideas, let me have them........please?
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8
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To link to this blog (shannalvs2swllow) use [blog shannalvs2swllow] in your messages.
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